After weeks of having him in the same house with me...Squall's finally returned to me
I feel complete. And satisfied. And like I should tell anyone who will listen. I know Zell can feel my happiness, and I'm sure Luke can too. I'm going to tell them again, anyway...just as soon as they get home.
Yesterday I was caught between happiness and heartbreak; today I'm trying not to think so much. Zell, my angel, my love, tried to tell me that wasn't too happy with the arrangements I've made regarding our personal lives. What he said was "I *hate* feeling I'm not free...it'ths like I'm married, an' I never even got a piethce of cake." Here's what I heard... "Seifer, you're suffocating me and I want you gone." I hopped on Destrier and took off like a hothead. I was pissed at Zell for making me feel rejected and I was pissed at myself for being so goddamned domineering. I should've just stayed with him and told him how I really felt. Told him that what he'd just said to me hurt worse than a knife in the gut. Because that's how it felt. It felt like he'd just turned me inside out without even lifting a finger. I should have stayed and let him talk, let him tell what it was he really wanted to say. At least then I might not have passed a sleepless, miserable night. Raven stayed with me, slept with me, tried to comfort me. I realized how lucky I was to have so many people who cared about me. And how, if it weren't for Zell, I might not have any of this. And so today, we talked. And kissed. And talked. And I told him what I should have said yesterday...that I loved him, that I'd die without him, and that I'd give him whatever I could to make him happy. As it turns out, he was just concerned about being put in the same category that our other Seifer has put his Liric. I suppose he worried that I'd begin to make his decisions for him or something along those lines.
Zell ~ in case I didn't make it clear earlier, you are my life, my heart...everything. You gave me love when no one else would, you gave me Luke, you shared your life with me even after all the things I'd done to you in the past. I don't consider you as anything less than equal to me, because in some ways, you surpass what I can only dream of being. Any restrictions I placed on you were just my way of making sure you stayed with me, no matter what. I have much insecurity, I don't deny it. I can't deny it...not to you. I told you that I'd give up anything for you. I meant it. Without you, I'd have never understood what it meant to love someone else more than you loved yourself. And because of you, now that we have Squall again, I can make him understand that he's not broken and he's not useless. He's just lost, and because we're together and can offer him our strength and protection, we can help him find his way again. I spent the night with him a few days ago, curled up in his bed, his slight frame fitted so perfectly against mine. I know you felt my happiness, my utter sense of completeness while he slept next to me. I didn't think I'd ever be able to touch him again, and there he was, wrapped in my arms like he'd never left. Like you'd put him there. I love him. I'd forgotten how much. I was so crazy about him when we were kids, before my memories were obliterated and our lives were turned upside down. And then he was yours. If you hadn't taught me how to love, or rather, how to show it, I'd be alone still. With not even a clue as to what I was capable of and with no idea how to find out. It's because of you that I can love so completely and without hesitation. You make me better than I really am. You make it easier for other people to love me too
Never in my entire life have I seen a group of men that loved jewelry so much. Went to bed half blinded from the lightshow that Liric arranged just by sitting beneath the chandelier, woke up in a bed full of pearls.
It was a nice evening, all in all. Had dinner with my family, actually enjoyed dessert...missed Luke, though, and things weren't as entertaining without Red. Which reminds me, I need to go visit him today. Ah, well, we had Squall and Fluffy for comic relief and halfway through dinner Zelly and Qimmiq joined us. Zell's wiggling made my thoughts do a one eighty and soon enough, dinner was forgotten. There was nothing else for me to do but carry Ravenstone off to bed. I knew Zell would be joining me shortly, and I hoped he'd be bringing Squall...I suppose that's what I get for hoping.
I don't know what the hell they were doing after I went to bed, but I know that I woke up with pearls stuck to my ass. And if you've never had the pleasure of waking up in this situation, let me dispel any misconceptions you may have in thinking that it is in any way romantic, or cute. Ravenstone was sleeping on the edge of the bed, curled up against me, so his beauty sleep was undisturbed. Which leads me to belive that Zell and Squall were attempting to amuse themselves at my expense by putting pearls in my bed while I slept.
But that's not all...I distinctly remember being awakened in the middle of the night by having cold, wet feet rubbed against my legs. I didn't get up and yell, which is what I would have done if Ravenstone hadn't sucked out every ounce of energy I had remaining in my body before I fell asleep, but I vaguely remembering hearing Zell giggling.
Just remember boys...payback's a bitch. And unlike some people that I might mention, I don't need to sneak around in the middle of the night to play tricks on the ones I love. Now if you'll excuse me...I have some evil plotting to do.
Asleep in my bed. Our bed. With a puppy. All cuddled up, his sweet little lips pressed against his new baby’s soft fur, his deep, even breathing a sign of his restfulness and peace. Makes my chest ache just looking at him. I can only imagine how Luke’s going to react. Zell seems to be doing better. He’s reconnected with Squall and has stopped humping the sofa…although he’s still scooting across the floor. Anyway, having this puppy to fuss over seems to calm him somewhat, even if it does being that maternal, protective side right to the forefront. He just looks so sweet… I will not turn into a sap over this. I can’t. I have more important things to worry about. Seifer, Lanian Seifer, has his eye on Zell. I can’t blame him. You can’t fault someone for having good taste, but this guy’s not like me. At least, not entirely. Fuck me, but I’d forgotten what a prick I can be…so basically, I seem to have made an enemy…with an alternate of my fucking self. Which is strange, when you think about it, considering the last time Seifer and I met he was kneeling between my legs, sucking me off like his life depended on it. I shared my bed with him. And that wasn’t all. I let him touch me, kiss me, bite me…knowing he had the fever, but also knowing how isolation felt. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and so I did what I wanted to do. And he did what he wanted to. Now I've become the enemy and I don’t think sharing is the answer this time. He wants what belongs to me, wants it for himself. And this Seifer, although he has a decent side that he hides very well, is more dangerous than I ever was. Perhaps I offended him, alienated him somehow. Six months ago, it wouldn’t have mattered. Six months ago…I simply wouldn’t have cared.
Spent the night curled around Squall. For the first time in close to a year, he slept in my arms, his silky hair brushing my chin, the sound of his soft, even breathing a comforting reminder that he was real, and not just a dream that Zell and I were sharing. I can barely believe it, even now, when nearly four days have passed since his arrival with not much more than tension between us. Last night after Rufus went up to bed, I managed to hurt Squall’s feelings, something I’m rather adept at, and found myself chasing him down the beach, right up to the water’s edge. I can think of a hundred times, easy, when he’s run from me and every single one of those times, I let him go. I can’t really say whether I let him go in order to further my own satisfaction when he came back, contrite and ready to face the music, or because I loved to make him wonder whether or not I’d chase after him. I never did. But last night, I went after him without hesitation. I needed to talk to him, to find out if he still cared about me, even after all that’s between us. I wanted to make him understand the changes that the past year had wrought in me, and in Zell. I wanted to make him understand how things needed to be, how much Zell needed him, how much I needed him. I wanted to let him know that I loved him still, so much that it hurts to look at him, so fragile and unsure. And what made it all so perfect is that I didn’t need to say a word. He understood perfectly. I was the one who needed to listen, to understand. And so I let him speak, almost speechless myself just from looking at him. He tried to explain his own feelings, and the barriers that existed between us, and I listened. I have to fix things between us, figure out how to reverse Squall’s intolerance to magic, however it’s come about. I won’t talk about Zell’s pain and uncertainty, and the guilt that he and I share over what has happened. That’s his story, not mine. But I will say that his tears are more powerful than any attack I’ve ever endured and when you combine Zell’s tears with the haunted look in Squall’s beautiful eyes…what you get is one very determined Knight.
Things have been, for the most part, calm and relaxing since Zell came home to us. He seems fine, although a little more introspective, no surprise there, all in all he appears to be in good spirits. He got a new tattoo, Luke did such an amazing job. Sometimes I forget how artistic he is, but I was really amazed. Maybe I'll get one myself... Went out last night to kill, ugh, mechanical bugs of all things, got really dirty and almost lost my coat. But Reno beamed his bright, sexy smile at us, so it was kind of worth it. Plus Luke was incredible and there's nothing better than watching Zell in action. Plus we get paid. Can't go wrong there. So...found one of those self-enlightening surveys. Stole it from Zell. Decided to take it.
restless